Batman and the Joker: in the big brother house!
by MelissaLianne
Summary: Parody of sorts. What if Batman and the Joker were placed in the Big Brother house? Mainly humourous, I guess. Will later feature a few DW/TW characters. Enjoy, and please R&R.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: A random yet slightly twisted idea – what if The Joker and Batman ended up as contestants on Big Brother

**A/N:** _A random yet slightly twisted idea – what if The Joker and Batman ended up as contestants on Big Brother? In later chapters, a crossover may ensue… And eh, I know that the clown accomplices are shot down… but hey. This is my fan fiction, so I can bend the rules a little. The story will flit between two views; the Big Brother view, and the view of myself and my two best friends, who are going to be completely hooked on the show. Enjoy!_

'Why the hell did I ever agree to this?'

Bruce Wayne was sitting in the lounge of the Big Brother house, with just seconds of his freedom remaining. There were only a few minutes before the show went on air for the first time that year, and he wanted to hold onto his last piece of sanity, thank you very much!

He sank back into the lime green armchair, a sigh blowing from his lips. The Joker, who was also going to be a contestant, was looking exuberant; he was lying on the couch with his legs sticking over the arm, humming a loud and annoying tune. 'Aw, lighten up Bats--'

'Shut up, you pathetic blob of insignificance! You're not meant to know my true identity…' Bruce stood up on the arm chair, wobbling slightly as he posed. 'I am the Dark—'

'Moron?'

'No, I am the Dark…'

'Catastrophe?' The Joker watched Bruce with mild interest, glancing at his reflection in the compact mirror that was held with care in his leather gloves.

'WOULD YOU SHUT UP?' roared Bruce, falling down in a heap on his armchair. He shot the Joker a rather reproachful look, which, when noticed, only received a sarcastic smirk in response.

'Calm down, Brucey… why so serious?' The Joker sat up straight, his expression slightly amused as he surveyed the other man. Really, this 'Big Brother' saga had all been a matter of what he liked to call… _fate._

'Whoa, whoa, whoa… Aren't there meant to be other people here?' Bruce glanced around, as if expecting an answer to bounce of those cheerfully painted walls that were surrounding him.

The Joker shrugged carelessly in response, examining his nails. 'Do you think I should have painted them red – you know – to match my lips?'

At that moment, several new housemates entered the house, looking at the two men curiously. 'Excellent … I think,' breathed the Joker, 'My clown accomplices have joined me. And where are your buddies, Brucey-boo?'

'Right here, you pathetic blob--' Alfred waltzed in, wearing a smart suit, his hair smooth.

'Oh perlease, I'm not even fat.' The Joker waggled his slender fingers in Bruce's direction, before making a prude gesture at Alfred, which he ignored.

Bruce stood up and gave his old friend a one armed hug. 'Alfred, let's think of some new insults for him.'

'Right you are, Master Wayne.'

Bruce nodded. 'Right, so we have me here—'

The Joker muttered something to Grumpy, and the two glanced in Bruce's direction.  
'Joker's clown people things--'

Smiley, another accomplice, grinned. 'What a vocab,' he whispered to Dopey, who had been staring into space for quite some time.

'Uh, Joker himself of course,' continued Bruce nervously.

The Joker waved sarcastically and his accomplices clapped. 'Do I get to make a speech, Ba—Brucey?'

Bruce ignored him. 'And, uh, Alfred here.'

Alfred smiled.

'So basically,' continued the Joker, his expression defiant, 'You've just established what we already knew--'

Suddenly, a voice blared out across the house, cutting the would be argument short. 'This is Big Brother, will all the housemates gather on the Sofas?'

Three of the Joker's accomplices shared nervous glances, Dopey continued to stare into space, Alfred perched on a yellow armchair that had a few dodgy tomato sauce stains (he would definitely have to clean it up later), and Bruce was sitting comfortably in the lime green chair. He'd grown rather accustomed to it; perhaps when he was back in America he'd order several dozen. Not for any particular reason, of course…

'No!' yelled Joker loudly, causing Bruce to groan and bury his face in his hands, 'I will not 'gather on the sofa' – what am I, a couch potato?'

'Big Brother will not ask again, Joker.'

Grumbling, the Joker flounced towards were Bruce was sitting and sat on his knee. 'Get off!' complained Bruce, but was cut off by the unseen voice once more.

'Welcome to Big Brother. You have all been selected as housemates, and by becoming a housemate, you must abide by all house rules, which will be listed shortly.'

The Joker snuggled closer to Bruce, batting his eyelashes to provoke him more.

'Rule one – no violent language. Rule two – no weapons. Rule three –'

'No weapons?' whispered the Joker, looking mortified.

'—there is to be no contact with the outside world. Rule four…'

The rules continued for quite some time and at the end of the last rule ('Housemates must get up when they hear the alarm,') everybody looked startled. The Joker was sulking on Bruce's knee, Alfred looked mildly surprised about the shopping budget, The clown accomplices looked unsure … but Bruce just looked smug.

'Big Brother is now on air.'

'Now on air, eh?' The Joker bounced of Bruce's knee and proceeded to do skillfull cartwheels across the room.

'Hey!' Alfred stood up, a pissed off expression on his elderly face, 'You might break something! That's Rule #64!'

_**CRASH!**_

'Oh, bollocks,' cried the Joker as he rolled onto a coffee table which promptly split in half, the wood flying in all directions. 'HE HA HE HA HE HA!'

And, as if by magic, that bored, robotic voice sounded once more. 'Will The Joker please come to the diary room?'

'Yes, yes I fucking will.' He stood up, brushing himself down with a slightly embarrased expression, before skipping towards the Diary room. The other housemates shook their heads, and Alfred sighed. 'Master Wayne, your priorities will be on hold, as I should clean this mess up…'

Bruce nodded vaguely. 'Alright, no problem Alfred.' He glanced at the Clown Accomplices, who, on noticing their leader had left the room, began to relax more – they undid their ties and kicked off their shoes, wiggling their toes and snuggling against the couches.

Upon entering the diary room, the Joker had leapt into the big red seat, pulling his knees up to his face, looking around excitedly.

'Joker, within minutes of being in the Big Brother house, you have already broken a rule. We can help you control your anger if you wish…'

'Anger? I'm sorry, but _what_ anger? That – that display you just saw – that was of GLEE!' He frowned, pouting his lips like a small child.

There was a pause.

'Big Brother can help you control your emotions, Joker, would you like that?'

The Joker shrugged, not really listening.

Another pause.

'As you have broken a house rule, you will have to be punished.'

The Joker's face broke into a wide, genuine smile. 'Smashing! Am I going to get slapped across the bleeeeep?'

His face broke into surprise and disgust. 'Bleep bleep bleep bleep bleeeeeep! Why the bleep is it bleeping?'

'You're not permitted to swear on air—'

'Pshhh….'

'Joker, for your punishment, Big Brother has decided that you will have to sleep with a man.'

'Sorry mate, I don't swing that way…' He flashed a cocky grin towards the camera.

'Joker, if you don't do comply with the punishment set for you, then Big Brother will have no alternative but to remove you.'

His expression faltered. 'But I've just got here!'

'You choose to comply with Big Brother then, Joker?'

'I suppose—'

'You may now leave the diary room.'

And so out the Joker went, looking rather like a dog who had just been sent to it's kennel without food. Sulkingly, he lay in the centre of the room, making loud racing car noises to show his irritation.

'Well, we did tell you…' Bruce stood up smugly, wandering over to his arch nemesis, hands deep in pockets. 'What's your punishment, then, old chum?'

For the faintest moment, the Joker's skin below his obscene make-up glowed red.

Bruce grinned. 'It MUST be embarrassing! Come on, tell us …'

'Don't want to…' replied the Joker childishly, giving Bruce the middle finger. Alfred paused next to Bruce, watching the Joker in vain.

'If,' said Alfred, in a voice that showered the room with authority, 'I am going to live in this… place, then you'll have to clean up after yourself. I won't be doing it next time!'

'It's okay, Alfred—' Bruce nodded towards the Joker, 'I'll sort him out.'

'I hope you do, Master Wayne, you're probably the only one who can.' Alfred padded over to the kitchen and began to sort through the pots and pans that were neatly arranged in order by size.

'Oh, you'll be sorting me out, Bat--Brucey? I look forward to it.' The Joker shot Bruce a devilish smirk before resuming loud and irritating car noises.

oooooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooo

The next day at Sixth form, Mel and Steph were lingering happily in the classroom, chattering about Last night's Big Brother.

'I don't usually watch it,' admitted Steph, glancing up from her book to look at Mel, who was typing in a frenzied manner on her laptop, 'But I must admit, it was rather…'

'Enlightening? Amazing? Spectacular?' Mel glanced up from her laptop, her lips set in a manic grin, 'I thought that Joker guy was superb…'

'You would,' teased Steph, 'you always go for the villains, you do…'

Mel shrugged, exiting out of a document within a few seconds. 'Can you blame me?' She unplugged the laptop and began to bundle it into her bag, not aware that Steph had a rather serious expression on her face.

'You know…' said Steph, breaking the silence, 'I thought Bruce was rather cute…'

'Say no more!' ordered Sami, strutting into the classroom and sitting on the table, dangling her legs which exposed brand new converses, 'That Brucey boy is mine…'

Steph smirked, tossing her dark curls off her face and blowing a raspberry at her other best friend in response. Sami rolled her eyes and glanced at Mel. 'Hey Mel, do you want to go to the cinema tonight? You can come too, Steph.'

Mel looked at Sami as if she was insane. 'Are you kidding? There's no way I'm missing Big Brother!'

'Same,' Steph agreed, 'I'm just _dying_ to know what's happened.'

Sami frowned. 'Oh, okay…'

'How about,' Mel suggested, standing up as she shoved her laptop in her bag with difficulty, 'You two come over to my place – we can get pizza and coke or something, and watch the next episode?'

'Sounds good to me!'

The bell rang, hindering anymore conversation, and the three girls laughingly took their seats as registration for the day began.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Ha ha, wow, I didn't expect to get any reviews for this story

**A/N:** _Ha ha, wow, I didn't expect to get __**any**__ reviews for this story! Thanks to Lady Clark-Weasley of Books, Tiger's Eye of Gold, HelenaTwilight and Sweetjg for reviewing/faving/subscribing! Oh, and be sure to enjoy the new characters added to the story... ___

In the Big Brother house, things had gone smoothly… for about ten minutes. It seemed the other housemates would only get peace when the Joker was either busy showering in the luxury bathroom, or being reprimanded in the Diary Room.

_**Narrator:**__ 8.22am. Bruce is in the Diary room._

'…and Big Brother, it's not like I lack patience or anything – but Joker is seriously…' he ran his hands through his hair in an agitated manner, 'Getting on everybody's nerves! He struts around as if he owns the place, he orders everyone about, he keeps…' Bruce trailed off, sighing.

'Have you known Joker for a long time, Bruce?'

Bruce glanced at the camera. 'Oh Big Brother, you have _**no**_ idea…'

oooooooooOOOOooooooooo

_**Narrator:**__ 8.52am. Alfred and Dopey are in the Kitchen._

Alfred was bustling about in the kitchen, attempting to get the first meal of the day out of the way. He was wearing a classic Homer Simpson apron over his stripy pyjamas, and was accompanied by the rather thoughtful clown, who only gave his name as Dopey ('It's my codename, you see…'). The two of them were sharing a rather enlightening conversation over a packet of biscuits, which Alfred had found stashed in the mini fridge.

'Right, Dopey…' Alfred glanced at the clown who was staring into space, 'What should we have for breakfast on this fine morning?'

'Food,' replied Dopey in a very serious tone, not breaking his intense gaze from the ceiling, 'Food is always good.'

Alfred smiled. 'Yes, you're right, but what kind of food?'

Dopey thought about this for a few moments before replying. 'Edible food.'

'How about Cornflakes, toast and tea?' offered Alfred.

'Is that edible?' The clown accomplice began to back away, looking terrified. 'Boss said that Cornflakes were for sissy's…'

'Well, Dopey, you can either have what I'm serving or nothing at all.' Alfred began to drum his fingers on the kitchen counter as he watched the other man think this over in a very slow, thoughtful manner. A few minutes later, he nodded, and Alfred returned the nod, before retrieving several bowls and plates from the cupboard under the sink.

'So…' said Dopey casually, gazing at the ceiling, 'You're Bruce's servant?'

'Old friend, more like,' chuckled Alfred, scattering cornflakes into several bowls, 'But yes, I do serve him, when he needs it.'

'Oh,' said Dopey. He began to back up against the counter, doing ninja moves, and in the process, knocked over the box of Cornflakes, which went flying across the room.

Alfred sighed. 'Can you clean that up please, Dopey?'

The clown looked baffled. 'Clean what up?'

'Never mind, never mind… you go and sit down, I'll sort it out…'

oooooooooOOOOooooooooo

_**Narrator:**__ 9.13AM. All of the housemates are at the breakfast table._

'What the hell is this?' The Joker scowled at the plate of toast before him, as if it was too basic to be consumed.

'And they say you're a genius,' chucked Alfred, who was stirring his cornflakes around in his bowl, 'but in answer to your question, it's toast. And yes, you are going to eat it. It's the rule.'

The Joker rolled his eyes. 'Pardon me for sounding sardonic, _Alfred_, but I have a very rich diet. Anything I consume should be, ah, of the best quality? Not of this BLEEEEEP.' He sat down in a heap next to Bruce, who looked as if he was enjoying every minute of the Joker's displeasure.

The Clown accomplices finished their meals first, before scattering off to the garden, muttering between themselves and throwing dark, condescending glances towards the Joker.

'Bunch of traitors,' he muttered, stabbing his toast with apparent dislike.

Bruce leaned closer towards the Joker, his expression flickering between mock concern and amusement. 'You didn't actually think they liked you, did ya?'

The Joker raised an eyebrow. 'Like… such a positive word… with many negative outlooks. You see, Brucey dear, these people who say they like you are actually a bunch of liars…' he smacked his lips, his dark eyes alert.

'Uh… yeah,' said Bruce, 'Isn't that basically what I just—'

'Furthermore,' interrupted the Joker, 'the statement applies not only to me, the agent of chaos, but you too.'

This threw Bruce for a moment. 'Hey, people like me!'

'Oh yes,' chuckled the Joker, sipping his Coffee in a dignified manner, 'Everybody admires a grown up man who dresses up as a bat, and goes around eyeing their children up.'

'Excuse me? Do you want to re-phrase that, 'cause I'm pretty sure that was a load of bleeeep!' Bruce thumped his fist angrily on the table, causing the jug of milk to fall over and leak everywhere. The Joker raised his eyes lazily towards the mess. 'You should clear that up Bruce, Alfred does everything you know.' He shoved the remaining piece of toast in his mouth before standing up, adjusting his tie. 'Lovely breakfast, Alfredo – do you mind if I call you Alfredo?'

'Actually,' said Alfred, 'I find it rather insulting.'

The Joker nodded. 'Right…. Well, I'll be in the bathroom…' He started to waltz backwards towards the luxury bedrooms, humming a tune that repeated itself over and over again. 'Do you think I could become a composer?' He swayed his head from side to side. 'Something like, ahem, _duhn duhn duhn why so serious duhn duhn duhn…_'

'Not exactly my taste, Master Joker, but it may pass,' said Alfred kindly. The Joker saluted in response before disappearing from sight entirely. Bruce looked surprised. '_Master_ Joker? Alfred, what the hell? You're not meant to be encouraging him…'

Alfred shrugged. 'In my past experiences, Master Wayne, I've experienced being friendly comes a long way. You'll see what I mean one day. Right now, you're going to help me in the kitchen, right?'

'I never knew working in the kitchen supplied logic,' muttered Bruce, as he began to stack up dishes on his arm.

'Logic can be found in any place… you just need to have the inquisitive mind to find it… come on, we better get these washed, scrubbed and put away before the clowns storm in demanding yet another breakfast…' Alfred began to walk towards the kitchen, his smart shoes clicking. Bruce followed suit, sighing heavily.

oooooooooOOOOooooooooo

_**Narrator:**__ 9.58am. Joker is in the Luxury bathroom._

'Ba da da da da…' The Joker was leaning against the mirror, his legs pressing against the marble cupboards as he did the usual make-up routine of the day. Housemates only had ten minutes to get ready every day, and for Joker, that usually took about three minutes (which only included throwing his clothes on and splashing water on his face and under arms), which left seven minutes exactly to apply his make-up, which was exasperating, considering it usually took a full hour.

Carefully, he dragged the ruby red lipstick across his lips, making sure to make it extra messy, before pulling it across his scars to emphasize his madness. He preferred it when his scars looked as if they were bloodied every day; it made people look at him more. And if the public were watching? Well, they'd get quite the little show, wouldn't they? He reached for the black bottle of eye make-up and smeared it dramatically over his eyes, dabbing white face paint in the areas he'd mixed.

Within five minutes, to his immense surprise, he was done.

'Not bad,' he praised his reflection, putting a hand on his hip, 'Not bad at all, Mister J. You're looking pretty good…' He waltzed out of the bathroom, only to bump into Bruce, who had been waiting somewhat patiently outside. 'Done yet?' he asked sarcastically, tapping his foot.

The Joker copied his tapping. 'Actually, Brucey dear, I have two minutes to spare, which is good for me.' He licked his lips, causing Bruce to frown slightly. 'What's wrong, Brucey? Is it the scars?'

'It's everything about you,' growled Bruce, pushing past him and into the bathroom. The Joker stared at the door, shaking his head in surprise.

oooooooooOOOOooooooooo

_**Narrator:**__ 10.27am. Bruce is in the swimming pool._

Bruce padded across the dry grass towards the swimming pool, a towel around his shoulders. He definitely needed to work out… he approached the pool, not really looking at it as he removed the towel and black shirt he was sporting. He wriggled out of his trousers, which left nothing but a pair of black trunks. He cracked his knuckles before hopping up and down, and prepared to dive in.

From were the Joker was watching in the house, he thought that Bruce was either being genuinely stupid, or stupid for the sake of the viewers. 'Pstttt,' he whispered to Dopey, leaning closer, 'Go and push Bruce over in the pool.'

'What?' whispered Dopey, staring at the ceiling instead of the Joker.

'Go and push Bruce in the pool. And if you do, I'll … think of something nice. Go on.' The Joker pushed Dopey gently and the clown accomplice staggered to his feet, before trotting neatly and silently out into the garden. Bruce was still doing his exercises, and as instructed, Dopey slipped over, before giving Bruce a firm shove in his back.

As planned, Bruce fell spectacularly into the pool, banging his shins on the surface as he fell. 'WHAT THE BLEEP?' He cried, spitting water from his mouth. 'What was that for, Dopey?'

Dopey shrugged, staring at the sky. 'The sky is such a pretty colour,' he replied solemnly. Bruce stood up in the pool, realising how shallow it really was. 'WHAT KIND OF POOL IS THIS?' he shouted angrily, 'HOW AM I MEANT TO KEEP FIT?'

Inside, the Joker was hooting with laughter. Oh, how he LOVED to show Bruce up! It was such fun!

oooooooooOOOOooooooooo

_**Narrator:**__ 10.42am. Alfred is in the Diary Room._

'So, how are you finding Big Brother so far, Alfred?'

Alfred glanced around the room as he replied in his usual, polite tone. 'Well, it's been alright – apart from the snoring from Master Joker and the general bitching from his accomplices – that can get a little tiring, I will admit…' he paused, glancing at his hands before continuing, 'But yes, Big Brother, it's been just dandy so far.'

'Alfred, who do you relate to most in the Big Brother house?'

'Hm…' Alfred leant back in the red chair as he thought. 'I'd say Master Wayne, but I've known him since he was this high—' he held his hand a few inches off the floor before straightening up again, 'But yeah, I'd have to say Dopey, probably.'

'And why is that?' came the cool, female response.

'Well, he's very thoughtful like me – bit blunt, I will admit, but aren't we all at times?' Alfred chewed his lip for a moment before jumping into a rant. 'Master Wayne – although I usually have nothing against him, after all, he's been very good to me, he has, but Master Joker is just so much more… fun. Please don't tell Master Bruce what I said though, Big Brother…'

'Alfred, any discussion in the diary room is private and will not be repeated.'

Alfred's face relaxed. 'Oh, good, good…'

'You may now leave the Diary room.'

oooooooooOOOOooooooooo

_**Narrator:**__ 11am. Joker and Bruce are in the Luxury Bedroom – arguing._

'—and you wonder why Rachel didn't like you, Hm?' The Joker waved his hands about in the air dramatically, his face set in a sneer, 'I mean, come on, Brucey-boo, you dress up as a bat! Is that to impress her… or me? Because you know—' he licked his lips as he approached Bruce, 'It's not much of a turn on for me…'

_**WHAM.**_

Bruce's fist made contact with the Joker's face in a few seconds. The Joker began to howl with laughter as blood began to trickle down his chin. 'SEE! You're only ANGRY because I'm RIGHT! He ha he hoo ha! You know Brucey, assaulting me is a form of… oh, what's the word… personal harassment…'

'You're a personal harassment to the bleep bleeping world!' shouted Bruce, grabbing the Joker by his collar and shoving him against the wall, his fist aimed for another punch. But still, the Joker continued to giggle. 'So are you, Brucey – did you think Gotham actually respected you, mmm? Let me show you what people are really like… when you let me go, that is.'

Bruce let go of the madman's collar, his chest rising and falling rapidly. 'You're so annoying…'

'Yes,' replied the Joker, 'and what else? Sexy?'

'In your dreams!' Bruce turned towards the door.

'Aw, come on Brucey…' The Joker began to follow him. 'Batty, darling, you know you love me really…'

Bruce ignored him.

'Bruceyyy…?'

Bruce marched out into the lounge, covering his ears.

'NANANA BATMAN!' The Joker rugby tackled Bruce from behind to the floor, were they both crashed superbly. 'It's rude to ignore someone, y'know—' the Joker sat on Bruce's chest and beamed at him.

'Get off me, you worthless—'

'Worthless? No dear, I'm worth ten of you any day—'

'You murder people for FUN! How can YOU be better than ME?'

The Joker shrugged. 'Easily.'

A calm female voice intruded on their argument to announce the familiar words: 'This is Big Brother. Will all housemates gather on the sofas?'

'Huh,' said Alfred, stepping over Bruce and the Joker, 'You're both so childish.' He sat down in an armchair, looking completely and utterly exhausted from the amount of cleaning he'd been doing. Bruce sat opposite him, the Joker sat on the arm of Bruce's armchair, and the Accomplices all huddled together on the couch, muttering amongst themselves and casting the other three men dark looks.

'Thank you,' came the cool voice, 'Big Brother has an announcement.'

'Are we allowed to use weapons?' asked the Joker cheerfully, beaming at his accomplices in a way that made their spines tingle.

Alfred sighed wearily, slumping in his armchair.

'There will be several new additions to the Big Brother house as of follows…'

Bruce and the Joker exchanged looks.

'Rachel Dawes… Harvey Dent… Commissioner Gordon, and…'

Joker groaned.

'The Doctor.'

'Looks like they sent a man in a white coat for ya, pal,' whispered Bruce spitefully, before straightening up as the dark haired woman wandered into the room. 'Bruce! Oh, Bruce, it's so brilliant to see you—'

Commissioner Gordon looked around disdainfully. 'Looks a bit off in here… very bright and very English…'

Harvey Dent nodded. 'That's right, Gordon. Ah…' his gaze lingered on the Joker. 'Who let that mad, psychopathic son of a bleep into the house?'

'The people who run it, I suppose,' replied the Joker, looking thoughtful. 'What's the matter Dent? You look worried. I don't like that.'

'AH! Brilliant!' The Doctor waltzed into the room, looking around. 'I'm sure I've been here before, in the year 200,100 – I think! Hm…' He whipped out his sonic screwdriver and twirled it in his hands. He looked around at the other people in the room, who looked disgusted and intrigued. 'Ah, hello, sorry about that…'

'Excellent,' breathed Harvey, 'Another Psychopath. That makes two of ya, Joker.'

The Joker looked at the Doctor curiously. 'No, no, he's not my type. Too…'

'Hyper?' the Doctor wandered over to the other housemates and twirled around, looking up at the ceiling.

'He's just like Dopey,' muttered Alfred in mild affection.

'Dopey? Out of Snow White? Bit of a sad ending, wasn't it, eh?' The Doctor beamed at Alfred, and the elderly man lowered his gaze.

ooooooooOOOOoooooo

Mel, Sami and Steph stared at the television set in disbelief. Mel lowered her can of coke, Steph took off her glasses and wiped them, and Sami just sat very, very still.

'That's surely not the Doctor,' breathed Steph, 'HE'S MINE! Sami, you can have Bruce.'

Sami smirked. 'And Mel, looks like the Joker's well into Rachel…'

'Nuh uh,' Mel shook her head, 'She's too… not his type?'

'Right,' nodded Sami, 'You wish!'

'Shut up!' Mel punched Sami in the arm.

Steph glanced at her two best friends. 'We can talk all we want now – it's a commercial break…'

The trio let out a sigh of relief. At least their programme would start up soon!


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Wow, you guys are the best, seriously

**A/N:** _Wow, you guys are the best, seriously! Thanks for all the lovely, encouraging reviews, they help me get my muse going x) This chapter took a while to write, cus I had all the ideas, but no idea how to write it!_

_**Narrator:**__ 11.15 am. The housemates are at the sofas, with yet another announcement on the way._

'This is Big Brother,' came the cool, female voice, 'One more contestant is being added to the Big Brother house…'

'Only one?' commented the Joker in a smug tone. He turned his head slightly to look at Bruce, flashing him a telltale wink, which was ignored. The room became silent for the most part as the tension and nerves built up; and yet the only one who was making any noise was the Doctor, who was 'hmm'ing' and 'aaah'ing' over every detail he found fascinating – which was everything, really. And yet, if he was being annoying deliberately, he was doing a brilliant job of it – the other contestants were beginning to look uneasy as his casualness continued merrily, unnerving them.

'The last new contestant to be added to the Big Brother house is…'

A dramatic pause.

'Danielle.'

'Oh, a lady…' said the Joker appreciatively, 'I wonder what she'll be like—' He trailed off when a girl of around thirteen years of age wandered in; she was pretty, with dark brown hair brushing gently against her shoulders. She was wearing casual jeans and trainers, and a t-shirt that fashioned Gary the Snail from Spongebob Squarepants.

The Doctor flew to his feet and ran over to Danielle, his sonic screwdriver bleeping. 'Well… you're not an alien…'

'I should hope not,' replied the girl with a raised eyebrow, her dark eyes slightly bemused as she watched the man scratch his head thoughtfully, before sauntering away to the garden, apparently already bored.

'Why the bleep have they let a bleeping kid in the house?' Harvey shook his head. 'What a stupid thing to do.'

'That's exactly what I thought to myself when they let you in here Harvey; I just had the manners to keep it to myself,' said the Joker crudely, sending the district attorney a cold gaze. Bruce smirked, and even Alfred cracked a smile.

Rachel straightened her blouse for a second, before directing the conversation swiftly back to the newest arrival, to spare Harvey's blushes. 'Danielle, isn't it? How old are you?'

'Thirteen,' replied Danielle coolly.

Rachel nodded. 'Okay… you do know contestants are usually eighteen and over… right…?'

Danielle just smiled calmly in response, her hands in her jean pockets. Rachel soon saw she wasn't going to get any information out of the new girl, so she headed off to Luxury bedroom with Harvey, who was still red-faced at the Joker's comment.

'So, Danielle,' purred the Joker in his most charming voice, 'you're a girl…'

Danielle blinked.

'Tell me… are you any good at painting people's nails?'

She nodded shyly, unaware of Bruce's goggle eyed expression. 'Yeah, not too bad…'

The Joker smirked. 'Excellent. Can you paint mine? I'll do yours in return – I'm awful at painting my own nails…' he licked his lips and gazed at her.

Again, she nodded. 'Sure…'

'And you said I was after kiddie-winks,' breathed Bruce slyly.

'Stuff a sock in it, Batty darling!' the Joker flashed him a wide, uncanny grin. 'Or I'll have to get my blade out…'

Bruce sighed. 'Joker, Big Brother removed all of your weapons—'

'Really? Well, I never…' The Joker splayed his fingers out on the arm of the couch, waiting patiently. Danielle unscrewed the top of the nail polish (which was a shocking shade of crimson) and began to carefully paint his nails.

'HEHAHEHA! IT TICKLES! IT TICKLES!' he squealed.

She rolled her eyes. 'Keep still please, otherwise it'll go everywhere.'

'Yeah,' swaggered Bruce, 'Keep still.' He watched Joker with mild amusement – he was such a hypochondriac at times. But who knew, maybe the time they spent in the Big Brother house would bring them all closer, in a none sexual manner, and –

'So…' said the Joker, smacking his lips, 'Did you know Bruce is really Batman?'

Danielle stared at the Joker for a moment. 'Batman…?'

'Yeah. You know. The 40 year old man who dresses up as a man, offers candy to kids and takes them home in his batmobile,' continued the Joker slyly, his grin widening as he saw Danielle's expression flicker from disgust to horror.

Bruce grabbed Danielle's arm but she recoiled, and he began to gabble an explanation. 'No, Danielle, he's twisting everything – I'm not even forty! I don't offer candy to children and I most certainly do not take them home in my batmobile!'

The girl stood up and began to edge away towards the garden, looking a bit put out. Once she was out of earshot, the Joker hooted with laughter. 'Oh, you should have seen her face … still, she's not too bad. She painted my nails a pretty colour, see?' He waggled his fingers at Bruce, and his own expression fell as he saw the fury literally leaking out of his friend. 'Calm down Bruce, calm down…'

'Are you,' asked Bruce, in a husky voice, 'Going to continue to humiliate me while I stay in the house?'

'Yah,' replied the Joker casually, 'Why, is that a problem?'

Bruce rolled his eyes. 'No, it's perfectly fine.'

'Excellent!' The Joker deliberately dodged Bruce's sarcasm and rose to his feet. 'Guess I'll be, ah, cooking up a few more things to spread around, then…' And with that, he danced out of the room after Danielle, waggling his fingers and pointing at Bruce every so often.

Commissioner Gordon was, meanwhile, reading a newspaper. He tended to ignore the childish remarks that were frequently thrown between both Joker and Bruce; after all, there was no point getting involved… right?

oooooooooOOOOooooooooo

_**Narrator:**__ 11.32 am. Bruce, Joker, Alfred, Dopey and Danielle are in the Garden. The Doctor is on the sofa's, talking to Rachel and Harvey. Gordon is still in his armchair, reading the newspaper._

'Master Wayne?'

'Yes, Alfred?' Bruce lowered his sunglasses to get a better view of Alfred, squinting as the sunlight hit him directly in the eyes. He raised a hand to his forehead, and continued to squint. Alfred flashed a polite smile. 'Master Jok—'

Bruce scowled.

'—er has a surprise for you.' finished Alfred, looking convincing.

'I bet he does,' said Bruce, 'But I've no time to play any of his stupid, sick little games.'

'Oh, now that's were you're wrong, Brucey darling,' chided the Joker, appearing from behind Alfred, with his hands behind his back. 'You see, games are always fun. As long as they're not cut off right at the beginning – otherwise it's no fun! And this is a very … child safe—' he glanced at Danielle, 'sort of game.'

Bruce sat up a little straighter, looking at the other suspiciously. 'Oh? What is it; pin the knife in the victim? I guess the donkey version did get old…'

The Joker broke off into manic laughter and began to lower his arms. 'You're more twisted than I at times, Batty dearest, but no – no stabbing yet…'

Bruce stared, not quite sure what to say.

'Do you like to get… ahem… wet? And I don't mean over myself, either. HEHAHEHA!'

'You sick son of a bleep—' snarled Bruce.

'Don't misinterpret things, it's very unbecoming! No, no, I mean – you like water, right? You like to have a swim…' The Joker raised his eyebrows suggestively.

'I guess,' shrugged Bruce, 'What's it to you?'

'Everything,' replied the Joker, before whipping out a water gun and spraying Bruce right in the face. Bruce leapt to his feet, shaking his face and rubbing his eyes. 'Bleeeep! Joker, what the bleep? Did you put SALT in this? It's burning!'

'Eh, just a little formula I invented…' the Joker seemed to become very interested in his fingernails. Bruce had had enough. He dived over to the Joker, only to be tapped on the shoulder. He turned around wearily, only to receive yet another faceful of water from Alfred.

'Alfred!' whined Bruce, 'You're meant to be on my side!'

'Well Master Wayne,' replied Alfred with a grin, 'Master Joker has offered me a much better salary.'

Bruce's gaze slowly turned towards the Joker, who sure enough, was standing there innocently, whistling an uncanny tune. 'So… okay, let me just… you're not working for me anymore?'

'Oh, I'm still working for you Master Wayne, I promised your parents I would. But don't expect my allegiance to be consistent.' He waggled a finger before stepping aside, and letting Danielle squirt him with her own pink water gun. 'Stop it!' he snapped, pushing the child out of his way, 'You know what? You're so like the Joker, it's like—you're RELATED or something.'

Dopey wandered absently towards the pool, still gawping at the sky. It was lucky that Alfred had noticed his pal wandering aimlessly. 'Dopey! One step further and you'll fall in the pool!' he called, jogging over and holding an arm out. 'C'mon, let's go and get some food or something.'

The clown nodded mutely, and let himself be guided away by Alfred.

'Aw, how sweet,' sneered the Joker, as Alfred and Dopey disappeared from sight, 'the two love birds create a nest.'

'You're just jealous you have nobody to create said nest with,' said Bruce smartly, marching into the house before another word could be said.

Danielle blinked. 'Is he serious?'

The Joker glanced at the younger girl and smirked, his scars stretching. 'He's gay, you know. And he likes little children.' He turned to go back into the house, and Danielle followed, looking a little unsure.

Rachel was snuggled up to Harvey on the couch, letting him stroke her hair affectionately. Bruce glowered at them, but they didn't seem to notice. (Or, perhaps, in actual fact – maybe they had noticed but had the intelligence to let it slide.) The Doctor was humming loudly. 'So… just checking… what year is it?'

'2008,' replied Harvey wearily.

'Ah, right. Good year, 2008. Bit dodgy near the end though…' the Doctor sighed and took off his shoes, flinging them across the room. Harvey glanced at Rachel but she was watching the Doctor with curiosity. 'So, are you an actual Doctor?'

'What was your name again?' the Doctor glanced at her, smiling encouragingly.

'Her name's Rachel,' snapped Harvey, 'You should remember that, she's a beautiful face – not something I could forget easily.'

'Ah right,' interrupted the Joker, 'You just forget how to use your brain… but what you do remember is how to con people into believing in you.'

Harvey ignored him.

'Ah, I see… yes, anyway, sorry, I am a doctor – of science, mainly, but you could say everything,' gabbled the Doctor to Rachel, who was looking impressed.

'You sound like a handy man to have around…' she commented casually, causing Harvey and Bruce to simultaneously let out noises of disgust, which the Joker imitated.

'I can be,' the Doctor replied with a grin, sending off a wink.

Rachel got up from were Harvey was and went to sit next to the Doctor. 'So tell me, Doctor... where are you from?'

'All around really…' he replied vaguely.

oooooooooOOOOooooooooo

_**Narrator:**__ 11.51 am. Dopey is in the Diary room_

'Dopey, is it true you nearly fell in the pool earlier on today?'

The clown gazed around the room in a solemn manner, as if looking to see were the voice was coming from – perhaps there was somebody behind that cushioned like wall... 'Yes it is Big Brother,' he replied slowly, looking at the ceiling with interest.

'But Alfred saved you?'

Upon hearing the name of his best pal in the house, Dopey nodded excitedly his demeanour changing within a flash. 'Yes, Alfred is my best friend in the whole world, he's much better than Happy or the other clown people…' his gaze became dreamy and unfocused again as he resumed gazing at the ceiling.

oooooooooOOOOooooooooo

_**Narrator:**__ 12.03pm. All of the housemates apart from Dopey are in the Lounge. Big Brother has another announcement to make._

'Housemates, as you will all be aware, there is usually a head of house, somebody who enforces the rules and makes sure all tasks are complete to the best of your ability. As you all already know, there is no head of house currently, which is why you will all be given access to the Diary room to vote. You may only vote once and for one person – not yourself – and soon after, all votes will be recorded and later announced.'

The Doctor looked rather excited; he was sitting suspiciously close to Rachel, who was looking at him with admiration (Harvey and Bruce weren't too pleased about _that…_)

'Dopey will be the first housemate to cast his vote, and once he has left, you will all go in alphabetical order to cast your vote. Once the vote has been made, you cannot tell anybody who you voted for or why. Thank you.'

The Joker looked excited. 'Excellent! This will certainly spice things up.' He paused, licking his lips. 'I'd be a brilliant head of house… I'm an agent of chaos.'

Bruce snorted. 'Right. You'd have everyone blowing each other up…'

oooooooooOOOOooooooooo

'Dopey, who do you vote for to be Head of House? Big Brother reminds you that once you have told us your vote, it may not be discussed with any other housemate.'

Dopey paused, tracing his fingers over the arm of the couch as he thought for several long moments. 'I think…' he gazed at the ceiling, 'I'm going to vote for…'

A long, dramatic pause.

'Alfred.'

'Thank you Dopey. You may now leave the Diary room.'

Dopey nodded silently before drifting out of the Diary room, were he headed promptly to the fridge. The housemates exchanged glances, wondering who the clown had voted for, but their suspicions were ended when Alfred was summoned to the Diary room.

'Wish me luck,' winked Alfred, cracking his knuckles and scuttling off to the small room.

'He better vote for me,' muttered Bruce, 'I have, after all, known him the longest…'

'Knowing someone longer doesn't necessarily … give you a benefit …' muttered the Doctor, before silencing as Bruce shot him a thunderous look.

Danielle giggled, crossing her legs on the couch as she looked around at everyone. They were all fairly pleasant, but the Gordon guy was pretty… odd. He just read his newspaper. All day long. She wasn't even sure if he'd turned the page; last time she had checked, he was on page three a few hours ago. And yet there he was, reading ever so intently.

oooooooooOOOOooooooooo

'Alfred, who will you, be voting for as Head of House?'

Alfred looked thoughtful for a moment. 'Now ordinarily I would say Master Wayne, but I don't think he copes will in high stress situations. Hm … and I would also say Dopey, but I don't think he'd make a very good leader, mainly because he's more of the … thoughtful … type. So, my vote goes to Master Joker.

A long silence.

'Thank you Alfred. You may now leave the Diary room.'

'No, thank _you_, Big Brother!' Alfred stood up and wandered casually out of the Diary room and back into the lounge.

oooooooooOOOOooooooooo

_**Narrator:**__ 12.30pm. All of the votes have been cast, and the housemates are waiting for the results._

'I really hope you get it, Harvey,' said Rachel in a loyal manner to her boyfriend.

'Humph.' Harvey clearly hadn't forgiven her excessive flirting and compliments towards the Doctor.

'This is Big Brother—' the cool female voice slid across the room, causing Dopey to jump in terror. After all, he had been counting how many pattern shapes there were on the ceiling. The Joker mimed Dopey with accuracy, causing Rachel, Danielle and the Doctor to snicker. Dopey sniffed loudly and wiped his eyes.

'With one vote… Alfred comes third…'

The Joker smiled widely, the tension from waiting building up, and up…

'With three votes… the Doctor comes third….'

'Congratulations,' said Rachel smoothly, trailing her hand up and down the Doctor's arm, batting her eyelashes.

'With six votes… the Joker comes first. The Joker is now your head of house. But before celebrations issue out, Big Brother has some information for you all. We have decided to split the housemates into two groups – heaven and hell. Heaven will have the luxuries, were as Hell will not. Joker, you must choose five housemates to live with you in Heaven. The choice is entirely up to you.'

There was a silence, and everyone looked stunned. Apart from the Joker, that was. 'Well well well,' he chimed, licking his lips, 'I bet everyone wants to be my best friend now… nobody wants the poorness out of life, do they? Ha he ha!'

'Shut up, Joker, and get choosing!' growled Bruce.

The Joker raised an eyebrow. 'Now now, Brucey dear, be polite or I may not choose you.'

Bruce sighed. 'I don't care, really.'

'Oh, I think you do,' replied the Joker sweetly, before standing up and facing all of the housemates. 'To live with me in Heaven, I choose…' he paused, licking his lips once more, 'Danielle, Rachel, The Doctor, Alfred and … Grumpy. So, quite clearly, for all you losers—' he flashed them all a mad grin, 'Which are, for clarification issues – Bruce, Harvey, Gordon, Dopey, Happy and Smiley… what can I say…' he swaggered slightly, 'Enjoy your time in hell!'

oooooooooOOOOooooooooo

Steph was glaring at the television. 'Who does that RACHEL think she is? Flirting with my Doctor like that…'

Mel was angry, too. 'Yeah! And now she'll be like – totally sucking up to MY Joker!'

'At least she'll be away from Bruce,' said Sami smugly, slurping her Coke noisily as the end credits began to roll, 'I can only imagine what – ahem – ACTIVITIES will happen!'

'Seriously,' said Steph, 'I'm staying OFF school tomorrow. You two are as well. We need to catch up on ALL the gossip…'

Mel smirked. 'Sounds good to me!'

Sami frowned. 'I don't know if Mum will let me stay off…'

'She will,' smirked Steph, 'Just pretend we have a study day, or something.'

And so the plan began…


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four:

**A/N:** _Wow, thanks for all of the reviews/favourites/subscriptions, you guys -- I really appreciate it. Its awesome coming home to check your inbox and to find out your story has earnt reviews - from lovely people with great things to say! Anyhow - Sami (VioletLollie on fanfic, check her out) has helped me with this chapter, and her ideas such as songs for the characters/costumes have been real helpful – she even wrote one or two chapters for me, hehe. I'm confident about forthcoming chapters, so yep - read away and hit the review button when you're done, I'd love to hear from you. Sorry you guys had to wait – I just hope you enjoy this chapter. XD_

The next day had begun, and the three friends were at Mel's, crowded around her computer. Steph had chocolate at the ready - for courage, obviously, Sami had provided what appeared to be never-ending cans of Diet Coke, and Mel had provided a warm place for them to hang out as the rain lashed down outside, thunder clapping against the grey sky.

Sami was at the keyboard, searching Google for any information about Bruce Wayne. In just ten minutes she had discovered his date of birth, age, favourite colour, favourite food, favourite villain and alot more! Steph was reading about the Doctor even though she knew it all of by heart, and Mel was considering going on eBay to buy a shirt with the Joker on. Again.

'Seriously,' Sami said, typing away in a frenzied manner, 'We should, like, sign up to one of those forums -- a fan one, you know. Share OUR views with other people globally.'

Steph raised an eyebrow. 'And why would we want to do that?'

Sami smirked. 'Steph -- do you really have to ask?'

Sami starting typing into the Google search engine for the forums. 'That one there' Steph pointed towards the first site in the list which read 'for the biggest big brother fans' Sami read aloud.

'Let's register,' said Mel eagerly, pushing Sami out of the way and taking over the computer. She scrolled through the site and found a registration form. 'Uh... what should we register as?'

'The Fan girl Trio?' suggested Steph, to which Sami nodded in approval. Mel shrugged lightly and typed this in, as well as choosing a password which contained a ton of numbers and initials of their favourite BB contestants, before being transferred towards the main forum. 'Hm...' Mel scrolled down the site and found an off board which read in poor grammar: TLK HRE BOUT CHRCTERS. Sami snickered as Mel clicked the hyperlinked text, instantly transferring her once more. There was over 1000 topics in that section alone, and Sami snatched the mouse to choose the first topic which had quite a few replies.

The topic title was called 'Y WE LUV BRUCE WANYE' and the three girls fell about laughing.

The poster was called WANYELUV4EVA and they had made roughly six posts on the board in total. Sami began to read aloud what the topic contained, struggling to keep a serious expression on her face. 'I love Bruce Wanye-- _he's spelt it wrong, god, _because he is a nice man. He has a nice butt too. I like his butt. Lol... What is everyone else's views please. Hello.'

The next reply was from a girl calling herself MRSHARVEYDENTA. The girls leant closer to the monitor, now reading silently. The post read: I like Harvey dent beter tbh becus he is nicer n Rachel dnt desrve him!! BRUCE WANYE SUCKS!! YEAH.

'Mebejeebus,' said Mel, 'Let's go onto a topic which we can actually RELATE to.'

She clicked the back button and began to look at the topics -- Steph chose a topic half way down the page that was called 'y d docter suks'.

This post was also by WANYELUV4EVA, and yet again it had little intelligence to it. Steph read aloud, chortling as she did. 'I don't like the Doctor, what is his purpose, who agrees.'

There was no reply, and so Mel began to type out a response, smirking.

'The Doctor is brilliant, and has more intelligence than you. Your own intelligence is as remarkable as a room temperature -- in minus degree. Anyway, Bruce Wayne -- learn to spell, BTW, belongs to Sami. OBVVVV.'

Steph chose yet another topic after the reply was posted, which was called 'GET JOKER OUT'.

The topic was started by a girl called ILOVERACHELIWOULD69 and Sami began to read it out, Steph glancing with worry at Mel who was trembling in anger. 'Joker is pathetic,' Sami started, 'He has nothing valuable contribute and he bullies EVERYONE. His presence is clearly not tolerated -- and he may as well be a wooden spoon for all I care. RACHEL AND DOPEY TO WIN BB!'

There were numerous responses to this - some arguing their case, some agreeing...

'Let's get off the site;' sighed Mel dramatically, 'Big Brother starts in like, two seconds.'

'What?!' yelped Sami, diving towards the green couches that were in the next room, 'You could of warned us!'

oooooooooOOOOooooooooo

**Narrator:** _8.43am. The housemates are gathered at the breakfast table. Joker and Bruce are having a conflict._

'WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?!' hissed Bruce, looking extremely angry at the Joker, who was once again provoking him, 'I told you - I do _not_ love you - now back off and go bug someone else for bleep sake!'

The Joker had been leaning over the rail that cut the room in half, looking at Bruce with a puppy dog expression. He batted his eyelashes, running his tongue over his top lip as he considered Bruce. 'Your anger... I like that.'

'Oh yeah? How about a bleeping knuckle sandwich?' snapped Bruce, rubbing his jaw as he spoke.

'Hmm...' The Joker considered this for a second, before shaking his head. 'Nope, I've got to watch the calories, you see.'

Bruce rolled his eyes and sat down on his chair, only to sit on a whoopee cushion, and it let out a loud rippling noise that echoed around the room. 'OH FOR BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEP...'

A cool, female voice that they had all grown accustomed to cut through any speech that was occurring at the time. 'Will the Joker please come to the Diary room?'

'Anything for you, Big Brother,' the Joker replied evenly, sending a saucy wink off to the camera. He glanced at Bruce, his eyes travelling up and down the other man's body, before lingering on his stomach. 'You've really let yourself go,' he commented, swinging his hips as he wandered towards the Diary room, 'Cut down on the fries, fat ass.'

The Joker sat on the big red armchair in the diary room in quite a relaxed manner; one leg was thrown over the arm of the chair, his other resting on the floor. 'What's up Big Brother?' he called towards the cameras, his tongue running over his lips as he spoke between words.

'Joker, we are going to assign you to a task, is that alright?'

'Er...' The Joker cocked an eyebrow. 'I suppose... does it involve bombing?' he added eagerly.

'Joker, Big Brother would like to kindly remind you that we are live in front of the nation and any violent talk is restricted.'

The Joker rolled his eyes. 'Alright, alright, calm down!'

There was a significant pause.

'Thank you,' came the female voice, 'Now then, Joker, we would like you to inform the other housemates of a fancy dress task which will be held this afternoon.'

The Joker's eyes widened and a big smile stretched across his scarred face. 'Okie dokie...' he got up, nodding once towards the camera before skipping out in a rather girly manner. Danielle watched him leave the diary room in an uncanny happy manner. The Joker bounded up to her, before swinging her up into his arms, and she squealed in protest. 'Joker, let me go!'

'Don't want to,' he said childishly, before throwing her onto the floor. Luckily for Danielle, someone (probably Alfred) had set up a pile of cushions, so her fall was soft and no bruises or broken bones occurred.

'Can everyone gather in the lounge?' he asked loudly so everyone could hear him, yet everyone ignored him - probably thinking it was another one of his pranks. 'Big Bro wants me to give everyone some news!' he announced, frowning. 'COME ON...!' No response, although he did catch a glance from Bruce who was smirking to himself. 'FINE THEN I'LL TELL YOU LOSER'S FROM HERE!' he coolly pushed the hair from in front of his eyes and continued.

'This afternoon you all will be taking part in a fancy dress task, and you all must go to the diary room to find out what you have to dress like…" he smirked, obviously amused by the whole situation.

'So let me get this straight … Big Brother has told you to tell us how to dress?' mocked Bruce, raising an eyebrow sarcastically.

'WHAT YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME?!' the Joker looked completely put out. 'OH... I GET IT! THE BOY WHO CRIED WOLF SITUATION!' he moaned loudly, not at all amused by Bruce's sarcasm.

'The boy who cried what ...?' said Dopey dreamily, staring into a wine glass on the dining room table with a look of amazement on his face.

'The boy who cried wolf is a famous story.' said the Joker rolling his eyes and folding his arms crossly. 'It means ... that I have lied to many times so now no one believes m..."

The Joker was suddenly cut off by the familiar women's voice, which, exasperatingly, caught everybody's attention instantly. 'Starting with Alfred, will the housemates please enter the diary room to receive their costumes.

'SEE!' said the Joker sticking out his tongue childishly 'GO ON ALFRED MY GOOD MAN! Maybe if your lucky you'll get to dress up as a freaky bat ... oh no wait,' he paused, before running and jumping on top of Bruce 'That's _your_ job isn't it?' he laughed manically whilst giving Bruce a noogie.

Alfred wandered towards the Diary room, rolling his eyes as the Joker opened his big mouth once more. He slipped into the Diary room, were he found a delightful costume waiting on the Diary Room chair. 'I'm meant to wear this...?' he queried, a frown creasing on his forehead, 'Ooh, dearie me, it looks a wee bit tight, Big Brother... oh my my my...' He picked up the outfit and held it against him, looking down with a thoughtful expression. 'Hm... What am I meant to be? A maid?'

'Alfred, Big Brother has presented you with a costume that you must wear until Big Brother tells you it can be removed. Your costume has been based on your area of interest which you filled in when you applied. You will be perusing the role of a Butler.'

'But...' said Alfred weakly, 'its rubber... and... And... Oh my, what will Dopey say? Do I get changed in here, Big Brother?'

'Yes Alfred.'

'But everyone can see!' he protested.

There was only silence, and so he began to unbutton his pyjama shirt and slipped the tight blouse on with a rubbery waistcoat instead, discarding his pyjama's on the floor. Within a few seconds, he stood there, admiring himself in a mirror which had been placed on the side of the armchair. 'Not too bad,' he decided, 'Bit tight for my liking... but I'll do anything to stay in the house.'

'Alfred, you may leave the Diary room.'

Alfred nodded, picking up his pyjamas and wandering out to a chorus of wolf whistles -- from the Joker. Dopey merely stared, his hands suddenly balling into fists and he glanced at the ceiling with intensified interest, and began counting the patterns. Bruce had a smug expression on his face and was trying not to laugh. The other housemates weren't too bothered by Alfred's sudden change in appearance, which gave him some comfort.

'Will Bruce come to the Diary room?'

'Hehehahehahehooahahahahahaha,' the Joker glanced at Bruce, flashing him a grin. 'And I thought my jokes were bad...' Bruce ignored him and entered the Diary Room, to find an outfit draped over the arm of the armchair. 'Is this some kind of joke?' he snapped, staring at the tight police outfit in disgust, 'This is... ridiculing me! I have a big body, which can't be forced into skimpiness such as this! Bleeping bleep!' He twirled the outfit around in his fingers, thinking. 'Do I have to wear this?' When he received only silence, he began to undress himself and slipped on the tight police outfit -- it seemed someone had sewn handcuffs to the waistband for extra credit. Bruce rolled his eyes and blushingly left the Diary room. Everybody stared this time and started to giggle at his insane appearance.

Raising his eyebrows suggestively, the Joker put a hand over his heart and rolled his eyes upwards. 'Oo, arrest me officer, I've been a baaad boy.'

Bruce ignored him and sat next to Alfred, who edged slowly away. Alfred's leg brushed against Dopey's, and the clown accomplice was so startled that he yelped like a dog and literally flew two feet in the air. The Joker imitated this but no one found it funny.

'Will Commissioner Gordon come to the diary room?'

Commissioner Gordon glanced up from his newspaper (he still appeared to be on page three) and he nodded. 'Sure, sure.' He folded it neatly on the arm of the couch before wandering over to the Diary room, ignoring the meowing noises Joker was making towards him.

He entered the room, sighing slightly as the door clicked shut behind him, and wandering towards the armchair. Classically, a newspaper outfit had been folded with great care on the seat. He cocked an eyebrow. 'Am I being mocked? I mean - I know I like reading newspapers - but that doesn't mean I want to bleeping dress up as one!'

Silence.

'Alright, alright...' he began to undress, revealing a surprisingly well toned stomach, and he slipped into the newspaper outfit gracefully. Once done, he glanced into the mirror and was surprised to see that the outfit fitted perfectly. 'er ...' he said blushing slightly.

'You may now leave the diary room.'

He left the room extremely quickly heading back to his news paper, ignoring the Joker who was following him trying to read all the articles on his newspaper shirt.

'Can Danielle please come to the diary room?'

Danielle shrugged as she headed straight for the diary room, with a blank look on her face. She entered the diary room to see a pink outfit in the shape of a star resting on the arm of the diary room chair. With a wide smile, she picked it up to reveal that it was a famous character from Spongebob Squarepants -- infact it was Patrick Star. 'COOL!' she exclaimed, putting it on over her clothes straight away.

Danielle looked in the mirror and a huge smile spread across her face, 'I think this will do nicely,' she said extremely satisfied.

'Danielle you may now leave the diary room,' said Big Brother.

'Thanks, Big Brother,' she beamed, pushing her quite large costume through the diary room door.

'HAHAHAHEHAHEHEHOOO!' the Joker laughed spluttering all over Rachel's face

'EW ... gross,' she said before walking away in a mood, probably to tell Harvey. The Joker rolled his eyes, then smirked when he realised that Danielle was completely ignoring him, and was now sitting on her own legs crossed on the floor of the lounge.

'Can Dopey please come to the diary room?'

Surprisingly Dopey ran really fast into the diary room, disappearing as the door shut behind him. He glanced at the diary room chair to see a bright pink dress, he did a double take 'er... oh what the heck ...' he put on the dress then looked into the mirror an eyebrow raising 'oh dear ... this is the worst one yet ...' he suddenly started to stare at the camera in front of him, apparently transfixed.

'Dopey you may now leave the diary room.'

He continued to stare at the camera.

'Dopey, you may now LEAVE the diary room,' said the female voice enthusiastically.

'Oh... okkayyy...' he left the room only to be wolf whistled at by the Joker.

'Hey Dopey!' he winked sexily, 'I would, anyway you and me--' he suddenly did an inappropriate action. Dopey ran away extremely quickly, scarred for his life.

'Can Grumpy, Happy and Smiley please come to the diary room?'

'All of us?' questioned Grumpy-- obviously grumpily.

The three of them headed to the diary room confused.

They looked down to see three costumes lying on the diary room chair next to each other. 'Oh ... I get it' said Smiley happily, 'The three musketeers!' he danced in the little space he had.

'Oh great ...' said Grumpy sarcastically.

'It is, isn't it!' said Happy not understanding the sarcasm, 'genius!'

They all got dressed and ready which was a big mess in the small space they had, but eventually they could look in the mirror. 'You all may now leave the diary room,' said the familiar female voice.

'THIS IS SHAMEFULL!' bellowed Grumpy getting pushed straight out of the door, 'GOD bleeping DAM YOU! He shouted, storming off into the garden ignoring the wide eyed looks he received from Rachel and Harvey, who were randomly gathered in the kitchen.

'Will Harvey please come to the diary room?'

'My turn pumpkin,' he said, rubbing noses with Rachel lovingly. He went into the diary room to see a Batman suit on the chair. 'YOU ARE TAKING THE bleep!' he screeched in a high pitch voice, and then he realised and coughed. 'Oh gosh ... well I am Gotham white knight I suppose…' he said proudly straightening his tie.

Moments later Harvey was standing in his underwear. 'Well I do new things everyday' he said shrugging and putting on the costume. He looked deeply into his own eyes in the mirror. 'BAM!' he said, doing gun signs with his fingers before blowing his fingertips as if he was blowing away gunshot smoke. 'I am smoking!' he smiled, extremely pleased with himself.

'Harvey, you may now leave the diary room.'

Harvey left the Diary room with a sudden bounce in his walk -- until he walked straight into the Joker, who immediately cackled with insane laughter. 'HAHEHAHAHAHAHE! Look Bruce! You have a friend' he shouted to Bruce, holding his stomach as he bent over from laughing too much.

'You may laugh but I think it is quite fitting,' he said sulkingly before going back to Rachel - when he found her talking to the Doctor again.

'Will Rachel come to the Diary room?'

Rachel smirked at the Doctor, blanking Harvey completely, before getting up and walking sexily towards the Diary Room. Upon entering, she licked her lips as she saw the outfit waiting for her. 'A bit bleeping slutty...' she pushed her dark hair off her face, her button nose wrinkling. 'You don't think I'm slutty do you, Big Brother -- viewers?'

No answer.

Rachel delicately wriggled into the outfit, taking care to flash her skin towards the camera, not even attempting to be discreet as she zipped up the corset and picked up a plastic whip. 'Hmm...' she swished it at the camera, laughing a little. 'Hm...' She wriggled into fishnet tights and finished the look with knee high leather boots. 'Oh, I look good...' she winked at her appearance before strutting out of the room, swaying her hips. The Doctor, Bruce and Harvey stared, completely transfixed by her appearance. 'How do I look, boys?'

'Like a slut,' sniggered the Joker, who was still attempting to read Gordon's outfit with difficulty.

Rachel ignored him and sat next to the Doctor, who was grinning in an uncertain way, as if he was suddenly seeing Rachel in a whole new light.

'Will the Doctor please come to the Diary room?'

'Ah... hum, yes, yes...' He stood up, running a hand through his spiked hair, before tripping over his own feet in his haste to get to the Diary Room. He entered, closing the door softly behind him, before turning around to glance at the chair. It was to his great surprise when he saw a short fat man, sitting there, rubbing his moustache thoughtfully. The Doctor cleared his throat and the little man jumped. 'Oh!' he squeaked, 'Here is your outfit, sir...' he jumped onto the floor, scuttling into an opening which suddenly appeared in the wall and disappearing.

The Doctor blinked. 'Huh... a long coat... converses, that's alright... normal shirt... nice trousers... stethoscope? OO er...' He slipped into the outfit in a blink of an eye, and admired himself in the tall, opaque mirror. 'Pretty dashing...' he bared his teeth before swaggering out of the diary room with a smirk on his face.

The Joker sighed when he found nothing insulting to say to the Doctor, and instead crossed his eyes and stuck his tongue out, pulling a gruesome expression. Smiley, Happy and Grumpy were prancing around in the garden, living up to the costume names. 'Musketeer, musketeer, where am I?' sang Smiley happily.

'Who bleeping cares I feel so bleep!' sang Grumpy, a scowl on his face.

'Lalalalalalaaaa!' Happy pirouetted, looking like a ballerina.

Danielle sipped her coke nonchalantly, watching Harvey mimic around as Batman with great amusement. Bruce was sitting cross-legged on the floor, and the other housemates seemed alright - Alfred kept glancing at Dopey; he had gone quiet after the Joker had mocked him.

'Will the Joker please come to the diary room to receive his outfit?'

The Joker's expression was unreadable as he pranced towards the Diary room, swaying his hips as he did. Upon entering, he saw his favourite outfit with delight. 'Oh, very good,' he said in an almost happy tone, 'Very good indeed.' He slipped into the Nurse outfit, deliberately showing alot of pale yet toned muscles to the camera, before slipping into the snugly fitted outfit. 'Oh, all I need is a clipboard now... never mind... never mind...' he ruffled his hair before wandering out, a wide grin on his face.

'Ha! You look ridiculous!' chortled Bruce, a wide smirk on his handsome face, 'Even more ridiculous than...'

'Than you?' the Joker smiled sweetly, wandering over to the Heaven side of the house, 'I somehow doubt that, Brucey darling.'

Rachel eyed the Joker. 'Doctor Joker, I have a mild concussion, what do you recommend?'

The Joker turned around and flashed her a sexy grin. 'A long wild raunch in the luxury bedrooms, my dear.'

She got up eagerly, but he waggled a finger at her. 'Not with me!' he snapped, 'with ... the Doctor, Alfred, Grumpy... I don't know, woman. Why are you asking me to sort out your bleeped up love life? Eh?'

Rachel looked taken aback. 'But...'

'But nothing,' he flashed another seductive grin, 'nothing at all.'

oooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooo

**Narrator:** _3pm. The housemates are gathered on the sofas. Big Brother has another announcement._

'This is getting a bit ...'

Suddenly he was again interrupted by the same voice.

'All housemates must now go to the garden to do the task, there is a piece of paper with the instructions for the task taped to the door leading to the garden,' she finished leaving everyone silent.

The Joker was first up, heading straight for the instructions, but was suddenly over taken by Bruce who snatched the piece of paper first, and then he read it out loud. 'All housemates must go into the garden. You will find a stage has been set up along with chairs for the audience, and there is a karaoke machine from which you all must sing one song here is the list of songs you all must sing…' Bruce suddenly burst out laughing '... Sorry right the list is as followed--' he cleared his throat. 'Oh ... and by the way the theme is "cheesy songs" okay ...'

He glanced at everyone before reading in an amused voice. 'Doctor- don't ya- by the pussy cat dolls…' Bruce smirked widely. 'Alfred- my heart will go on- by Celine Dion … and then Joker with … Hips don't lie' he couldn't keep a straight face before cracking up, 'You read it' he said to Alfred, pushing it in front of him.

'Ok ... next is Bruce and he is going to be singing Sound of the Underground by Girls Aloud--' Alfred could hardly swipe the smirk off his face as he continued; 'Rachel will be singing Touch my Body... Danielle-Spongebob Theme tune, The Three Musketeers--'

'Oi!'

'--Will be singing I Kissed a Girl by Katy Perry...'

Laughter and grunts were made at this statement.

'Harvey will be singing Gimme More by Britney Spears, Commissioner Gordon will be singing Blue by Eiffel 65 and Dopey will be singing... Beautiful Liar by Shakira and Beyonce.'

There was a silence, before laughter interrupted once more.

'This is a completely stupid task to do,' grumbled Grumpy, waving his hands in the air in apparent agitation.

'It could be fun...' chorused Happy and Smiley, their smiles wide with excitement. Grumpy rolled her eyes and wandered over to sit down on the plastic chairs that were opposite the stage, muttering.

Rachel glanced at the Joker, and smirked. 'Your hips certainly don't lie, Joker...'

He made vomiting noises and turned away from her in disgust. Harvey followed him, shaking his head at Rachel, who was now looking bemused. The other housemates trailed into the garden; some of them were alive with glee, like the Joker, and some were sulking in defined doom, like Grumpy.

Everybody took their seats opposite the stage, and the Doctor wandered up the steps before taking centre, tapping at the Karaoke machine for a few seconds, before pausing and picking up a microphone.

'Big Brother reminds housemates that this task must be completed otherwise you will be sent to Jail, or possibly, depending on the severity, evicted. Thank you, and go ahead Doctor.'

The Doctor twirled his stethoscope in his left hand, his right supporting the Microphone. He cleared his throat before singing as the words flashed up on the screen for him to copy, and he deliberately missed a bit out before singing the desired piece.

'I know you likeeee me….' He twirled around.

'I know you like me,' echoed the Joker, nodding his head in time to the music. Danielle sent him a bemused look; how was it the Joker knew the song?

'I know you dooo,' continued the Doctor in a girly voice.

'I know you do,' sang the Joker.

The Doctor swayed from side to side, apparently enjoying himself. 'That's why whenever I come around; she's all over you… I know you want it… it's easy to see—'

'And in the back of your mind, I know you should be on with me,' finished the Joker, unaware of everyone staring at him until he opened his eyes. 'What?!'

The Doctor clambered off the stage and sat down, receiving a minimal amount of applause. Alfred stood up, smiling shyly. 'It's my turn now… I think…'

Danielle smiled encouragingly. 'You'll do awesome, Alfred!'

He smiled back. 'Thanks, Danielle.' He wandered onto the stage and cleared his throat several times (which was imitated by the Joker) before singing in a very serious voice, his eyes set on Dopey as he belted out the chorus in a surprisingly beautiful voice. 'Near, far, wherever you are…' his eyes raised towards the sky, 'I believe that the heart does go on, once more you open the door – and you're here in my heart – and my heart will go on…'

'That was beautiful!' gasped Dopey, before resuming staring at the sky, slightly red. Alfred bowed, climbing off the stage in an agile manner before taking his seat up again.

'Oh, smashing,' the Joker licked his lips, 'My turn… and here… we… go.' He stood up and pranced towards the stage, capturing everyone's attention instantly (this was either because his outfit was extremely tight or because he was a natural beauty, obviously). The music began to play and he strutted up and down the stage in time, shaking his hips like a hoola hoola girl. 'Oh baby when you talk like that, you make a woman go mad, so be wise, and keep on, reading the signs of my body!' he shook his hips in a rather sexy manner, before continuing to sing, lapping up the applause he was receiving. 'Oh I'm on tonight and my hips don't lieeeee!' The Joker began to run his hands up and down his stomach, continuing to shake his lips, his tongue occasionally licking his lips as he got into the groove of things. The housemates were clapping wildly, much to the disappointment of Bruce and Harvey.

When the Joker had EVENTUALLY finished (he unfortunately had to ignore the chant of 'Encore, encore!' from the impressed housemates) he clambered off the stage, hot and sweaty, and sat next to Danielle, breathing heavily.

oooooooooOOOOOOOoooooooooo

'Mel… did you just… see… what… Mel? Mel?' Sami shook her best friend awake from her day dream, and Mel immediately began to couch loudly. 'Hm? Oh, yes, he's got nice muscles hasn't he…?'

Steph was rolling around laughing. 'The Doctor was pretty good too… gosh.'

'Aw… it's the commercials,' groaned Sami as a phone advert started up, 'Just before Bruce was on stage, typical…'

'Maybe that's because he's so drastically awful,' snickered Mel, sobering the second she caught Sami's fierce gaze. 'Uh, just kidding!'

'But seriously,' continued Sami, 'did you see the way Alfred was singing to Dopey?'

'I know, yeah!' Steph nodded, sipping her coke, 'There must be some kind of connection there…'

Mel snorted with laughter. 'Gawd and their OUTFITS!'

The trio spluttered into laughter once more as they recalled the outfits the housemates had been forced to wear.

'This,' announced Mel, 'Is the best Big Brother season EVER!'


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five:

Some parts of this chapter have been co-written with VioletLollie.

**A/N:** _I know, I know. The story kind of died! Originally, I was planning to post this chapter several months ago but it's remained uncompleted (obviously). However, during the months, I have added bits and pieces to it and most recently, begun work on it once more. I'm sorry for the wait you've all had and once more I thank you all, my loyal reviewers, for sticking with me and waiting for so long. You are all officially awesome. Anyway - so we left off with Joker clambering off the stage in a sweaty mess from singing Hips Don't Lie, and so, without further ado... :)_

Sami had leapt up from the couch as the commercials began to roll ('Look,' Steph had called, 'There's a new McDonald's advert!') and went back to the computer. She typed into Google once more and sat there, frozen, as she saw what the website she had discovered displayed.

'Mel... Steph? Get here! You will not BELIEVE what I have just found!' she shouted.

Steph and Mel wandered over to the computer, and they too shared Sami's expression. 'Sign up for Big Brother... oh my... waaaait... oh gosh, we have to sign up. Mel, you type our application -- you're the fastest!'

Mel nodded, quickly swapping places with Sami and she typed out the details on the entry form in lightning speed. Just as their programme started up once more, the application was sent, and Mel was re-directed to a screen that informed her she would receive an e-mail later on that day informing her whether or not they had been accepted into the Big Brother House. Silently, the three girls took their places on the green couches, and watched intently as their programme started up once again.

**Narrator:** _4pm. The housemates are gathered in the kitchen. Alfred and Dopey are making food for the rest of the housemates._

Dopey was looking at the bubbles rising in the air from the washing basin, a look of wonder on his face.

'You know a little help wouldn't go a miss,' joked Alfred, looking at him with kind eyes. He continued to wash the dishes for the other housemates with a light smile on his face.

'I smell soap ...' muttered the Joker, marching into the kitchen with an angry expression, 'I _hate_ soap! Whoever invented it is going to be blown up…' he charged over to Dopey, who was popping bubbles with his little finger. The Joker shook his head in disgust, and continued to rant. 'Why do I smell bleeping SOAP?' He scowled, pursing his lips. 'Why why why? You all know I hate soap and that hygiene's only for sissies and… _Bruce_. Alfred, are you being a jerk on purpose?'

Alfred looked startled. 'On purpose…? Not at all, Master Joker… I am only using soap and washing up liquid to wash the dishes for this evening's meal… I would never dream of angering you intentionally. You have my full apologies, sir.'

The Joker tilted his head to the side and smiled, triumphant in receiving an apology he didn't ask for. 'That's just fiiiine, Alfredo, just fiiiine…'

He skipped into the lounge to find Harvey and Rachel snuggling up on the sofa. _Who did they think they were, acting like that in front of HIM? _To change the atmosphere between the two love birds, he stuck two fingers down his throat and heaved. 'BLERGH! BLERGH!'

Harvey raised an eyebrow wearily and looked at the Joker with a tired expression. 'Will you please be quiet, or is that beyond you? In fact, I don't know why I am bothering to waste my time asking ... the word "quiet" is obviously not in your vocabulary.' Harvey pronounced this statement with a smug look on his face, his chin wobbling. The Joker eyed this, before smirking.

'A simple 'shut up' would have sufficed, but I guess intelligence isn't your profile.' The Joker glanced towards Rachel, who looked bored of the whole situation.

'Hey Rachel – want to hear a funny joke, mm?' the Joker kneeled in front of her and she looked at him as if he were unworthy.

'A joke…' she frowned slightly. 'I suppose…'

'What's ugly, short, and has spots?' chided the Joker, smacking his lips together in the manner of a toddler.

'A giraffe?' guessed Rachel – stupidly.

'Do you have a long neck?' he brushed some hair off her face to inspect and smacked his lips together once more when the verdict sounded. 'Nope – you don't! But the answer to my joke is… YOU! HE HA HE HA HE HA!'

'That wasn't funny,' said Harvey in a low monotone.

'Love, I don't have to be funny. It's unbecoming of a man such as myself. You know, the Arkham residents would just adore you…' the Joker jumped to his feet, his eyes wide and his mouth in an O shape.

The Doctor was lounging over the carpet, staring up at the ceiling in fascination. 'I like these ceilings,' he said dreamily, 'Not as much as I like chips, though. Anyone fancy making me some chips? No? No plate of chips? Chippywhippystuff? No – OW!'

Someone had thrown Rachel's necklace across the room and it had made a rather strangely shaped bruise on the Doctor's forehead. He swung up, clicking his knuckles and cracking his neck side to side. 'Who did that?'

The Joker pointed to Harvey before skipping away, giggling manically to himself. ('Hey Doperella, what do they call two gays…_ Two gays_! Hehahehahaha!')

Alfred raised an eyebrow and made his way over to the Doctor. 'Doctor,' he said kindly, his elderly face expressing concern, 'Are you alright?'

The Doctor flashed him an award winning smile. "Never been better," he winked. 'Infact, at the rate the necklace flew… oh, THAT'S were I put my socks! I love socks, I do.'

Danielle glanced over at him and giggled to herself. Grumpy clocked this and scowled at her. 'Can you not keep it down?' he snapped, his eyebrows knitting together, 'I'm trying to THINK!'

The younger girl looked alarmed at his sudden anger. 'I'm –'

'Oh, leave her be!' Dopey's trance of counting green bottles had subsided and he was standing up, clearly defending Danielle. 'She's only being positive – or is that beyond you, Grumpy?'

'Positive!' Grumpy repeated the word mockingly, gritting his teeth, 'What's there to be positive about in this place? You're all a bunch of nutters!'

**Narrator:**_ 7pm. The housemates have eaten and are now in the lounge._

The Joker was sitting on Bruce's knee, snuggling up to his chest and licking his ear, occasionally making meowing noises. Bruce had attempted to dislodge the Joker several times but to no avail. Half an hour ago, Big Brother had informed the contestants to gather together in the lounge, ('I'm not a bloody sack of potatoes,' grumbled the Joker to Grumpy, who nodded understandingly,) for reasons they did not yet know.

'Maybe they want to evict Harvey for his ugliness,' offered the Joker into the humming silence, before falling into pits of insane laughter. The other housemates ignored him, apart from Dopey, who was now looking rather fearful at the word _eviction_. Dopey knew in his heart he was the least interesting housemate; all of the others provided entertainment, laughter, and gave the viewers a reason to keep tuning in. Dopey, however, provided none of these, for he was the quiet and thoughtful type... one who stared at ceilings a lot and contemplated many a thing, but he knew, should it be eviction night, that his time had come.

Danielle shifted her weight as she sat in the armchair; although she liked her Patrick Star outfit it restricted room, and was occasionally hard to walk in, especially when the Joker kept trying to push her over. He was staring at her now, mouthing inappropriate things and then pointing to Bruce. Commissioner Gordon frowned at Joker, as he finally turned the page of his well pressed newspaper (he was now on page four), and tutting slightly, he resumed to read.

A cool voice slid across the room and everyone glanced at one another nervously. 'This is Big Brother. Thank you for waiting. And now for eviction...'

Everybody glanced at one another; the tension rose in the room. Everybody looked anxious apart from the Joker, who seemed quite at home, and possibly, quite smug.

'With six votes... Joker will not be leaving the Big Brother house.'

The Joker beamed and punched his fist in the air. "Oh, booyah! Excellenty old chum, top-hole, truly spiffing!"

'With seven votes...'

There was a pause.

'Bruce Wayne will also not be leaving the Big Brother house.'

"Who the hell even thought of trying to vote me out of the house?" exploded Bruce, cracking his knuckles. "I demand to find out who you are, and when I do, I shall sue you like a bleep!"

'Um,' said Danielle, 'If you're going to sue somebody who is anonymous, uh, I'm pretty sure after your threat they are going to remain anonymous. Besides,' she added smoothly, 'It's the rules, you can't discuss eviction.'

Bruce raised an eyebrow, ignoring her.

'With ten votes...'

There was an intake of breath and everyone apart from the Joker seemed shocked.

'_**Dopey will be leaving the big brother house**_.'

'AW, DOPEY LAD!' the Joker contributed sympathy to the startling news, before bursting into fits of laughter, which subsided quickly. The silence was asphyxiating him, and so he leant closer and winked at Bruce suggestively. 'You and I, Batsy darling, can be beep buddies… Now old Dope is leaving and all…'

'Don't be mean,' commented the Doctor, who was busy reading his way through a future copy of Harry Potter, 'You wouldn't like it if you were evicted...' At which Danielle nodded.

'JOKER – THAT'S DISGUSTING!' It seemed only Rachel had understood what the Joker had implied to Bruce – the look of disgust on her face spoke volumes. She grabbed Harvey and lifted his heavy arm around her skinny frame. The Joker nodded happily at her reaction, seeming quite pleased.

After a few seconds, the housemates realised uncomfortably that Alfred was curled up in a ball on the floor, crying hysterically. It was seldom for the old man to express such defined emotion – apart from the time Joker had cleaned the toilet with the old man's toothbrush – and so this sudden outburst was quite shocking. 'HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO COPE WITHOUT MASTER DOPEY?' No one replied and the silence grew, along with his despair. 'THIS ISN'T FAIR! I WANT A RE-EVICTION – THE VOTES CAN'T ADD UP – NOT – MY – DOPEY!'

Bruce dared to look towards the old man for a second, and immediately regretted it as Alfred launched on him. 'Master Wayne, what am I supposed to do without Dopey?' He sniffed and wiped his eyes, raising his head towards Bruce in hope that the man he had served for many a year could possibly do something…

'Its okay, Afly…' Dopey made profound use of his private nickname for Alfred, as his expression mirrored heartbreak and despair. 'I'll be okay…'

Alfred continued to sob. He grabbed Dopey's hand and looked up at him with a fierce expression. 'I'll never let go of you, Dopey…'

Dopey looked scared for a moment but restrained from staring at the ceiling to squeeze Alfred's hand and gaze into his eyes lovingly, understandingly.

The Joker interrupted the scene and both men glanced towards their former boss, who was once again gagging. Before anyone had the chance to blink, the Joker had run in the middle of them both and separated them spectacularly. 'Not so together now, are you?' he leered, leaning against Bruce and batting his eyelashes.

'I meant metaphorically, of course,' murmured Alfred.

'Metaphorically means never!' the Joker screeched happily and then glanced at Bruce, eyeing him. 'You're pretty,' he said.

Dopey ignored the Joker and leant forward to Dopey and wiped away a tear, before gently kissing Alfred on the mouth.

'Um… EW?' Danielle looked away, feeling uncomfortable with this amount of affection being displayed. After all, she was only thirteen… The Doctor caught her disgusted expression and waved her over to were he was sitting, behind the chess set (which, upon further inspection, looked out of the era and more futuristic…). 'Pull up a chair,' he smiled, flicking his fringe off his face, 'You won't be creeped out over here…'

'Don't be so homophobic,' said Sad, wiping his eyes and blowing his nose, 'it makes me feel sad.'

The housemates glanced uneasily towards Dopey and Alfred, who still appeared to be lip locked.

'Uh… gross, man.' Harvey shook his head. 'Alfred is like, ninety five?'

Bruce shrugged. 'You cannot push away true love as you so see it – that kind of love only comes once in a lifetime, be it with the same gender as yourself, or the opposite.'

'Oh, and I thought _I_ had it bad with you, Batsy.' The Joker nodded at Bruce, who returned the gesture with a tight lipped smile.

Rachel attempted to dislodge Alfred and Dopey, and they let themselves be torn apart. Dopey had lipstick all over his face, and Alfred looked a little red in the face. 'I…' Dopey rose to his feet and Alfred mirrored it, his expression breaking, and 'Will always love you.' He touched Alfred lightly on the cheek and then glanced at Danielle. 'Keep it real…' he stared at the ceiling and once more became transfixed, as he marched silently out of the Big Brother house.

Once more, there was silence. The Joker didn't like that, and so he volunteered his opinion happily. 'He'll love you until he finds somebody else…'

Alfred sighed, looking depressed. He turned away from where Dopey had just exited and his posture fell.

'Alfred…' Danielle patted him on the arm, as he walked slowly past her, 'It'll be okay, I promise.'

'No, it's not okay Danielle, and it never will be. I'm done for!' Alfred fell to his knees.

'Think on the bright side,' she urged, 'You'll see him as soon as you get out of here. He'll be waiting for you, I bet!' Her smile was encouraging and Alfred glanced at her, an expression of gratitude on his face.

'Thanks, Danielle,' he murmured, covering his face with his hands.

'Oh, boohoo!' the Joker jumped to his feet and insensitively shook his head at the amount of depression and emotion being expressed. It was enough to make anyone jump from a bridge, in his opinion. 'I _purrr_sonally don't _be-lieve_ in true lurve.'

Bruce glared at him. 'You say that now, but just you wait till you find your dream girl! Once she walks through the doors into your life, you'll take what you just said back.'

'I shan't,' insisted the Joker childishly, twirling a plastic blade in-between his slender fingers, 'True loves exists like Japanese people living in China… for an example, of course.'

'Um…' Danielle glanced at the Joker, but Rachel got there first.

'That is like, actually, like, true you know.' She flicked her hair over her shoulders and looked at the Joker in a way which made his skin crawl. Or maybe that was just the fleas. 'I am right, aren't I Harvey?'

'Um. Yeah.' Harvey sided with her unhappily, rubbing his hands together. 'It's true alright.'

'Shush, Gotham's White Knight.' The Joker flicked his plastic blade into his back pocket and waltzed over to Alfred. 'Cheer up, '_Afly_' –'he made profound mockery of Dopey's nickname for Alfred and smiled as he did, 'I'm sure there's another man in here to fix your lust… there's Bruce, Harvey, Gordon, Rachel…'

Rachel started. 'I'm not a man!' she rubbed her temples unhappily.

The Joker eyed her suspiciously. 'Coulda fooled me…'

She flicked her hair back irritatingly and stuck her tongue out at him. 'Whatever you say, Scar face.'

'Ooh, ouch, that hurt my feelings, _Ruh-ach-el_…' his expression stayed blank for a moment, before, his lips curled to reveal yellow stained teeth. He laughed manically for a moment—and then he spat in her face.

'THAT'S ENOUGH!' Bruce pushed between them both and spoke mainly towards the Joker, but his words were certainly implied for Rachel too. 'Grow up, the pair of you.'

'Oho,' said the Joker, licking his lips, 'That was… something… for you.'

Sad, Happy, Grumpy and Gordon exchanged looks with one another while the Doctor whistled an unheard version of Happy Christmas.

Harvey smirked, oblivious to the whole dispute. He grabbed Rachel by the waist and pressed his lips to hers for a second. 'Come here, gorgeous…' he brushed a strand of hair out of her eyes, and was surprised to find it wet with spit. 'Um…'

The camera by the fridge zoomed in on Alfred once more, who was now sitting in an armchair, tears trickling down his face.

The Joker decided it would be helpful to serenade the man. 'Lonely… I'm so lonely… all on my own!'

_**THWACK.**_

'Ouch!' cried the Joker, staggering back from the punch. 'My nose, my beautiful nose…' he paused, his little drama folding up. 'Well, at least I can get a plastic surgeon – I THINK I knew one in Arkham, it's not easy being me… but nobody can fix an old man's wrinkles. Unless you have a time machine, of course… ah he ha he he ha.'

The Doctor beamed at the Joker hopefully, but the gesture of friendship was ignored.

At this point, Alfred burst into tears and ran towards the diary room, slamming the door behind him. He sank into the red chair and let out loud, noisy sobs.

'Hello Alfred.' The cool, calm female voice sang out in the diary room, but it failed to console him in the slightest. 'What's the matter?'

'Like –'Alfred's face contorted with fury, 'Like you don't know!'

There was a pause, and in that pause, Alfred wiped his tears away.

'Big Brother is aware of your sudden 'loss'… but you are required to maintain the house's guidelines and talk appropriately whilst on air, Alfred.'

'FORGET THE GUIDELINES!' Alfred's fury cut across the voice and it silenced promptly, the camera zooming in on his tearstained face, 'I WANT DOPEY!'

There was another moment of silence, a longer one this time.

'Big Brother has reached a conclusion… if you wish; you now have official permission to leave the big brother house.'

'REALLY?' Alfred leapt up, a wide smile curving his lips. He wiped away the last few tears and nodded once at the camera, before rushing out at full speed. 'DOPEY, I'M GOING TO GET YOU!' And with that, he disappeared into the darkness of the Big Brother corridor.

'Um…' Rachel raised her eyebrows delicately, and opened her mouth to make another remark.

'Don't bother being mean,' said Danielle softly, not raising her eyes to Rachel, 'Alfred was always the one who kept us in line…'

At this the Joker smiled widely and gestured towards Bruce, and then himself.

'…and he always had some chocolate,' continued Danielle.

Harvey cleared his throat and looked at her in disbelief. 'So, you're only gonna miss him because he won't be around to give you chocolate?'

Danielle shrugged and refused to answer.

Grumpy, one of the clown henchmen looked grumpily down at his outfit which continued to fashion one of three musketeers. 'I HATE THIS OUTFIT!' he yelled, slamming his fist down onto the side of the couch, 'I want to wear NORMAL clothes.'

Happy smiled widely, 'But it's so fun, Grumpy!'

Sad looked depressed. 'I feel uncomfortable and it makes me look fat...'

The Joker beamed at them and then cat walked up and down in the lounge area. 'Oooh, look at me, is my butt too big in this outfit?' He slapped his hand on Bruce's bum, making him leap forwards and start screaming. 'Oh, you're a baaad policeman, Batsy darling,' said the Joker, circling Bruce with a malicious smirk on his face, 'Lock me up, sweetheart!'

Harvey adjusted his bat cape and sighed. 'It must be awful being you Bruce,' he commented simply, as if discussing the weather.

Rachel nodded. 'No offence Bruce, but you look a lot better without the whole Bat regime.'

'Mmm...' Danielle sat up a little straighter on the couch and glanced at Sad. 'Sad, are you okay? You look... well...'

'DON'T SAY IT!' screeched Sad, 'My hair is horrible, my bum is too big, and I'm getting a spot on the end of my nose!'

There was a pause.

'Whoa,' said Harvey, 'Talk about ego deflation.'

'There's enough ego in this room with the Joker,' commented Rachel in an attractive manner, leaning forward and pressing her fingertips together.

The Joker bowed once, twice, and then fell over on a banana skin.

'HAHAHAHAHEHEHEHEHEHOO... whoever did this is getting poisoned,' he said quite seriously.

At this point, Bruce looked away and twiddled his thumbs innocently. Fortunately for him, the Joker had not noticed, as he was busy stealing the Doctor's chess pieces so he could no longer play the game.

'I hope,' Bruce spoke softly and raised his gaze towards the Big Brother camera, 'That some new people come along soon...'

'I do too,' called the Joker, who had pulled a slug out of nowhere and was about to drop it in Danielle's bowl of Ice Cream, 'Then I can murd--- make friends!'

Rachel rolled her eyes and pouted her lips at this. Harvey picked up on her expression and said swaggeringly: 'you, friends? I think not Joker...'

The Joker's expression widened and for a moment, he felt dampness in his eyes. 'Oh no... Hay fever!' he yelped, before darting off to the luxury bathroom.

'Hay fever? In the evening?' Rachel snorted disbelievingly.

Danielle glanced over at her and the Doctor spoke for her: 'It is possible, Pollen is airborne.'

Harvey scowled at them both and shook his head. 'Serves him right, he's awful to everyone else...'

Rachel snuggled up against him, batting her eyelashes. 'That's my HarveyWarvey.'

**Narrator:**_ 8.05pm. The housemates have gathered in the living area and Big Brother will be relaying a task shortly._

Bruce sat with his face in his hands, obviously not wanting to participate.

The Doctor was grinning. 'What do you reckon Big B wants us to do, ey?' His eyes searched the room for replies.

'KILL PEOPLE?' the Joker looked hopeful. 'Or… something to do with food, I am peckish, you see. I don't like that.' He gave Rachel a toothy grin and ran towards her, arms open. 'I AM HUNGRY FOR YOUR BLOOD!'

Rachel screamed unnecessarily, 'JOKER GO AWAY!' She looked towards Harvey, giving him puppy dog eyes. 'Tell him, baby…'

Harvey's eyes travelled from Rachel to the Joker, who was rolling around on the floor laughing hysterically.

'Uh, Joker, if you don't mind can you, like, stop scaring Rachel? I don't, like, want to, like, cope with her… EMOTIONS. I'm too manly for emotions.'

'Ooo yes. I believe in Harvey Dent now…' the Joker raised his eyebrows then pouted. 'No… I can't… shut up.' He twitched. 'I literally can't… want to hear how I got my scars?'

Everybody groaned in the room so the Joker beamed and sat next to Danielle. 'When I was… a boy…'

Bruce coughed loudly. 'You used to be a girl, then?'

'Silence Batsy, your turn of talking about your Tran sexuality will come soon!' the Joker cleared his throat and then gazed at Danielle. 'Anyway… when I was a boy… I lived in Sleepy Hollow… and the Headless Horseman—'

'Stop ripping off Johnny Depp,' muttered the Doctor, looking disgraced.

'Riiiight… well, Danielle, when I was a boy, my father was a lawyer and he had high blood pressure. I always made him orange juice in the morning but he screamed at me…'

Rachel pouted. 'That sounds like Clueless.'

'I made him some orange juice and one morning he lost control,' continued the Joker sadly, 'He SMASHED the glass over my head and said I couldn't drive with my best friend Dion anymore because two permits do not equal a licence.'

Rachel nodded to herself. 'Clueless was a good movie,' she told Harvey, who looked bored already.

'Can you just TELL the story?' Danielle smiled hopefully at the Joker, and he nodded solemnly.

'When I was… a boy… I lived in the cupboard under the stairs. My uncle beat me. My cousin bullied me. My aunt made me eat out of a dog bowl… then one day I received a letter and a giant took me to Hogwarts! Oh, the scars are from a suit of armour… combined with peeves… not the best thing…' the Joker raised his dark eyes to the ceiling and licked his lips manically. 'Never go near a suit of armour, Danielle,' he warned, 'they're EVIL!'

Danielle blinked. 'I… I think you're…'

But the Joker had already bounded off to the garden, giggling to himself and muttering things to the flowers around the pool.

'Housemates, this is Big Brother. Can Joker please return to the living area?'

The Joker waltzed back in, clad in a sailor outfit. He winked at Bruce.

'Thank you. Big Brother is now speaking.'

Harvey raised an eyebrow. 'Well, really?'

His sarcasm went un-noticed. 'Big Brother has given you a task. Bruce, you will read out the task displayed on a card on the dining table.'

Bruce glowered. 'Why me?' He walked towards the table and picked up the card.

'Yeah, why Bruce?' Grumpy was looking sour. The Doctor smiled widely at him but it went ignored.

'This is the task,' Bruce read out slowly, looking at Danielle.

Danielle coughed. 'I'm thirteen, not illiterate.'

The Joker wolf-whistled and clapped at her. 'WOOOO! Danielle has skills!'

Danielle and The Doctor exchanged glances of surprise but continued to stay silent.

Bruce cleared his throat and continued 'There is a large box of matches on the table in the garden, you must use team work to build a model that resembles the Eiffel tower…' he finished, looking disappointed. 'You've got to be kidding me…' he sighed flopping onto the couch.

Sad burst into loud and noisy tears. 'I can't do it,' he stuttered, looking around at anyone who would listen in a desperate manner, 'This task is bad for my health - my doctor says I'm a borderline...' he swivelled his eyes from left to right before gazing at Rachel. 'Depressive.'

Grumpy rolled his eyes and kicked the nearest thing, which happened to be Harvey's leg.

'Hey,' snapped Harvey, #Watch it you!' He wrapped an arm around Rachel's waist and pulled her close under his arm. 'It's okay,' he said softly, 'We can do this task, with my brains—'

Danielle snorted disbelievingly, which earned her a wide and toothy grin from the Joker. The housemates marched out into the garden, apart from the Joker who chose to pirouette like a prima ballerina.

Bruce tutted but said nothing, and fell to his knees as he examined the boxes of matchsticks piled high on the table and around it. The Joker sniffed one of the boxes cautiously and emptied the contents, and just as he was about to roll around in it, the Doctor restrained him. 'Joker, I like you, but I don't want to like you as a corpse…!'

'I wouldn't mind either way,' Rachel muttered, kneeling down next to Bruce and beginning to stack the matchsticks. Everybody copied suit and began to stack the matchsticks, taking extreme care. The Joker, who had hardly contributed at all, suddenly grabbed his nose and made loud snorting noises.

'I think he's going to sneeze,' said Happy cheerfully.

The Doctor sighed, rummaging through the matches excitedly. 'LOOK AT THIS MATCHSTICK!' He shouted suddenly, causing Danielle to jump, 'IT'S AMAZING! You humans are INGENIUS!'

Danielle looked blank. It was just a matchstick…

'AH—'

'OOOO, a penny!' Happy turned away from the Joker and bent down to retrieve the shiny coin.

'—CHOO!' the Joker sneezed tremendously all over Happy's back, and there was a moment of amused silence.

'Hem…' he cleared his throat innocently and at that moment, the matchsticks toppled over.

'JOKER, YOU LITTLE BEEP!' Bruce was beside himself in anger. 'THAT TOOK AGES AND WE WERE BARELY FINISHED!'

The Doctor shook his head, a hand on his hip. 'I warned you, Joker, but did you listen? Now I'll have to like you as a corpse…' he sighed heavily.

'I listen to you, Doctor,' said Rachel flirtingly. Harvey frowned at her, then the Doctor.

"I listen to you," said Rachel flirtingly, which caused Harvey to frown at her and then the Doctor.

Bruce cleared his throat and everyone looked at him, or rather, the wall behind him, as it was far more interesting. 'Let's get working again, guys!'

'That's one smart wall,' said the Joker playfully, kneeling down and barking like a dog before reaching for the zipper on his trousers.

'Um...' said Danielle, going pink.

'I'm a dog, see, a dog chasing cars, but at the moment I'm going to urinate over the matchsticks! Hehehehahahahahhoooooooo!' the Joker giggled in hysteria before falling on top of Bruce and straddling him, pulling out a plastic knife and resting it against Bruce's cheek. 'Why so serious, Bruce Dwayne?'

Bruce rolled his eyes and flipped the Joker over.

'Ooo, dominance,' said the Joker; 'I like that. But not off a man dressed up as a bat.'

Harvey smirked at this, and then glanced at his batman costume and his face dropped.

'Alas.' said Grumpy, 'You all FAIL!' His husky voice lowered into silence and everybody nodded approvingly, apart from the Joker who didn't understand.

'He's like a child,' said Happy, twitching under the clown mask, 'A child with… p-problems…'

'Excuse me,' said the Doctor, 'But how the hell do you see out of them masks?'

Happy beamed. 'Boss says we can see because we are special.'

'Going back to the point, though,' said Rachel, a hand on her hip, 'Which child doesn't have problems?'

Danielle raised her eyebrows; she had accustomed herself to being remarked to on a daily basis by Rachel - 75% of the time these remarks were sarcastic - and yet they did not anger her, they merely made her smile. 'Rachel," she asked sweetly, putting on her cutest voice, "What's your IQ?'

'She doesn't have one,' shrieked the Joker, 'She was too dumb to take the test!'

'Oh yeah?' said Danielle, 'What's your IQ then?'

'800,' lied the Joker casually.

Danielle smiled, glancing back at Rachel who was now chewing her bottom lip. 'I've made my point,' said Danielle loftily.

'Uh... no you haven't...' said Harvey, looking confused.

'Didn't you get an IQ either, Harvey Dent? The Joker chuckled and flicked his fringe out of his eyes, 'You and Rachel, a pair of dumb dumbs. When you get married instead of saying 'I do', you'll say, 'What was that again Vicar?''

Everybody laughed apart from Harvey and Rachel who remained stony faced.

'HEY! I DO RHYMES WITH IQ! SO THEY WILL BE CONFUSED!' shouted Bruce with a look of amusement on his face. He seemed to like the fact that Rachel was being tormented.

Rachel face palmed. 'OH! I GET IT! YOU GUYS ARE SO FUNNY!'

'This is Big Brother. Would Rachel kindly restrain from speaking and would the rest of the housemates continue with the task Big Brother has set for them? Thank you.'

There was a silence.

'Yeah, Rachel, you're so bad…' the Joker winked at Danielle who flashed him a smile warmly. Now, all they had to do was finish this fiddly task…


End file.
